Summer may nearly be over but I’ve only just had my first BBQ! Over the bank holiday weekend, I have been to Otley to see Matt and Jam in their lovely new home. The garden looks over the river Wharfe and we went out in an inflatable boat which was quite scary! Otley town is so quaint and it has some lovely shops where I found an antique glass bottle for my mum. The town is surrounded by beautiful Yorkshire countryside at its best. I was sad to leave but had to work yesterday. Today I am going to see Pixels with Drew and her friend, which sees Adam Sandler fighting against Pacman and other computer games to save the world. It’s the first rainy day of the weekend so perfect for a trip to the cinema. I had a bit of a set back with the Open University. I didn’t get any credits transferred to the degree that I wanted to do but they did offer me some credits for a different course. I need to wait until Thursday to speak to them about it as they are closed for the bank holiday and I am working Tuesday and Wednesday. I will also need to speak to The Student Loan Company and see how my funding will be affected. I’m almost two weeks into the Thai course I have been doing and I can actually read and write some Thai! I am a long way off knowing the whole alphabet though and am still putting in a bit of time every day.
I can’t believe another week has gone by. I have been so busy. This makes a nice change. Through my CBT session this week I learnt that I get down or anxious when I don’t have a focus. As it is my day off today I am trying to focus on learning Thai. After going to the cinema with Matt last week, he asked me why I didn’t use the time I have now to learn the language? I thought this was a very good idea and have purchased an online program from learnthaifromawhiteguy. It’s a good package and teaches the Thai alphabet along with the sounds they make. Try the first lesson for free, it’s actually really fun! I have to admit I’m struggling with the further lessons even with my basic understanding of Thai. But I am committed to putting in at least twenty minutes every day. Brett (the white guy) is confident you will be able to read Thai in just two weeks if you put in this time every day. I’m skeptical but I’m going to give it my best shot. It would be really great to be able to communicate better with my husband and his family. My negative automated thoughts of course kick in and tell me I can’t do it but I have to ignore them and think, ‘I am strong, I am powerful and I am loved!’ In other news this week, I spoke to the Student Loans Company and I’m glad I didn’t listen to that negative guy at the open day because they have said they will give me two years funding! That means I just have to fund the first year of the course myself.
I am almost too tired to write this blog. I have been so busy working and seeing friends and family that I have not had much time to myself. This is a sign that things are a lot better than they were a few months ago but I don’t want to burn myself out! How do you get the balance right? I think as long as you are getting enough sleep, which for me is ten hours a night, then being busy is a good thing. On my day off this week I went shopping with Caroline and then saw ‘Absolutely Anything’ with Matt. This film sees Simon Pegg getting struck down by aliens and given the power to do anything he wants. It was really funny and got me thinking about what I would do if I could do absolutely anything. Of course I would want to help other people but it would be hard not to be selfish and lazy too! I would definitely travel the world and see all my friends in America, Australia, Sweden, Thailand, Taiwan and China. It would certainly be hard to bother with mundanities like washing, cleaning and emptying the dishwasher! But maybe its these simple things that keep us grounded and sane? Now that I am feeling so strong I feel like I can do anything and I hope that I will get funding to do a degree at the Open University. I went to an open day in Leeds and was given conflicting information on the likelihood of it. If I don’t then I won’t let it get me down. My future is looking bright and I am excited to see what will happen.
I am feeling a lot better this week. Through my CBT I have learnt that my reflex way of thinking doesn’t allow me to do new things or take risks because I automatically think I can’t do it. I am trying to make positive changes for my life. For example, I want to apply to the Open University to do a degree in Creative Writing but I fell at the first hurdle. When I downloaded the seven page form to send off for credit transfers I looked at it and cried – I felt defeated straight away. I think things are too difficult for me when in fact I am perfectly capable. I just need to focus and apply myself. When I looked properly at the form I realised it wasn’t that bad. I had to contact my old university to dig out my transcripts but it really wasn’t that difficult. Now I have it all ready to send off and await the next step in applying. It’s all about taking small steps. My defeatist mind is telling me ‘what are you doing? You can’t do a degree!’ but if I never apply then I won’t even know if I could get a place or not. I am also feeling good this week about losing two pounds! I put on two stone when I was on Olanzapine and am really unhappy with my weight right now but all my hard work is obviously starting to pay off. I still feel demotivated and have to really push myself just to do the small things like doing the laundry and brushing my teeth but I am on my way to a healthier mind and body.
This week I saw Inside Out with Caroline. Joy and Sadness go on a journey around Rileys head, who is basically, having a breakdown. Joy learns that she needs sadness in her life in order to be happy. I have so much sadness in my life right now that I can’t really handle it. My eyes hurt from crying. Every time I see Tam on Skype it makes me break down in tears. I want to come off medication but my psychiatrist has recommended that I don’t. I tried to install anti virus on my computer and now it won’t work so I am at my mums writing this on hers. No one at work knows about my sad secret. I am becoming a master at hiding tears. I’m depressed about the weight I’ve put on too. It feels like I am still going through my breakdown where in fact I am actually just trying to recover from it. It may take a lot longer than I had hoped. I’m sorry to write such a depressing blog but this is part of my journey and I have to embrace it. I need to accept sadness as part of life so that I can be happy too. I don’t know when that will be. Work is going well and I have to concentrate on that. It is the only thing I can be positive about right now.