Break through from the breakdown


This week I have been feeling really depressed. The realisation of what has happened is starting to sink in to my delicate brain. I’ve had a massive mental breakdown. Just six months ago. I’m still recovering and I need to give myself a break. It’s just so frustrating. I want to get back to normal life. So I discovered breakdowns can actually have a positive effect on your life by reading this great blog from the tiny buddha.

Breakdowns can create breakthroughs. Things fall apart so things can fall together.” ~Unknown

I’m not suggesting everyone should take magic mushrooms and become psychotic but if you have suffered a breakdown in your life (or are going through one) there is hope and light at the end of the tunnel. I’m still on my journey through that tunnel and sometimes the light gets really dim and I start to feel claustrophobic and helpless. I know that I have truly amazing friends and family that I can turn to. They proved massively how much they love me when I really needed them. There’s no need to be alone. But it’s so hard to be motivated sometimes even to get out of bed or have a shower. I have to keep in mind my goal of being back in Thailand with Tam. A lot of my problem is boredom. I have nothing to do to keep my mind busy. So, I have been applying for some volunteering positions in York. It’s not easy to apply, similar to applying for a job but I have managed to get an interview next Wednesday so wish me luck! I also have my medical review next Thursday so tune in next week to see how I got on with these two exciting progressions!


The thin line



‘There’s a thin line between lolz o’clock and losing the plot’ as said by my good friend, Lee. I was very happy to see him along with a bunch of other friends down in Brighton and London this week. Luckily I managed to stay on the right side of the line! My trip started with a delicious meal at Belgos in Covent Garden with Matt, Jenny and her family. The next day I had a lovely day out in Twickenham with Holly, attending a village fete (note the Morris dancers in the background of the picture) and visited the stunning Strawberry Hill House. I went to Brick Lane and met David (who I had last seen in Thailand) and spent some time in Bounds Green with Vicky and her gorgeous son, Law. Lovely Lucy also made an appearance. I didn’t manage to get my visa for Thailand as I got completely overwhelmed when I got to the Thai Embassy. This started with them telling me I had to pay cash (125 pounds!) which I thought was pretty ridiculous and then I got upset because I realised that I actually have no idea when I will be going back. My last day in London I went to fashion week blogging with Matt. You can check out the pictures here. Highlight of the day was seeing Dermot O’Leary. Here he is looking sexy:

z dern zd

In Brighton I had some sunny days on the beach with Simon and did some Bollywood dancing with Kanchan who is preparing for the Westbourne Street Party on 11th July. If you follow the link you can see a video of the dance! The week ended with Lee’s birthday drinks on the terrace at Legends and a drag queen karaoke bar or two.  

It was a long journey and took me ten hours to get back to York by coach today. This trip has given me confidence that I am able to deal with the stresses of travelling and also managed to navigate my way around the London tube. It was really great seeing my friends but it has made me realise that I am not as well as I thought I was or maybe it’s because of the meds. I am not my usual bubbly self and am rather subdued. In some ways this is a good thing as it shows some stability but feeling 90% of my usual self is not really enough for me. I will have to talk to the psychiatrist about it when I have a meeting in two weeks time.

A many splendored thing

This week has been really busy and fun. First up, I spent all Monday in the Merchant Adventurers Hall, which is a beautiful medieval building in York, volunteering for a chocolate experiment for ‘Trust me I’m a doctor’. There was a lot of waiting around but I had Matthew and Drew to keep me company so we had fun hanging out and got to eat a lot of chocolate! Matthew will definitely be on the programme as he was interviewed by the presenter, Chris Van Tulleken. You might see a glimpse of me too if you tune into the show in Jul/Aug.


For the last three days I have been attending The Manchester Writing School. Yes! I decided to go ahead with it and I’m so glad I did. We had so much fun. ‘A many splendored thing: Writing well about relationships’ brought together a small group of women of all different ages and backgrounds discussing intimate relationships in literature, fronted by the wonderful Catherine Wilcox (also known as Fox). We had some fantastic lectures from a sociologist, a priest and novelists including Nicholas Royle, proud winner of The Bad Sex Award 1997! If you’re wondering what made me decide to do the course it was talking to Catherine who reassured me that I would not be pressured to talk or write anything if I did not want and also that we would have fun! In the end I wrote something for every exercise and got involved in all the discussions. I enjoyed it so much it has made me think about doing a degree in Creative Writing and I feel really inspired to work on my novel.

It has been three weeks since I have been taking Aripiprazole and I feel slightly anxious and unable to concentrate or relax. Saying that, I did manage to concentrate really well for the whole three days of the writing course which was a real breakthrough for me. Ellie has said maybe I’m just feeling anxious and not to put everything down to the pills. I will talk to my care coordinator on Monday about it.